A Little History

Just so ya know. I'm sick and tired right now. I usually love my job and am surrounded by wonderful people trying to make a difference.

Over the past 13 months, though, we've suffered through two major losses. First, my direct manager died suddenly (he was nearly 3 years younger than me). They appointed a new person, and he's doing a great job. But his management style is different, so there have been adjustments. I realize that's just a fact of life.

Then last month, two days shy of the first anniversary of my boss's death, the mayor died. I've been at my job for nearly 15 years, and he'd been mayor for nearly twelve of them. So now we have more changes. Once again, they've appointed someone I hear great things about. Change is inevitable here, too.

I'm sick and tired of the way politics tend to play out. Why is that when people disagree over an issue, the person they disagree with must be cast as a villain--evil or a liar? Can't they just agree to disagree and move on? Or, heaven forbid, work together on a compromise everyone can live with?

I've been disgusted watching it on the national level, but it really sickens me when I see it on the local level. It really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. We've got a viper in our midst right now who goes around to the press behind our backs and makes it look like we're all either incompetant or liars--all because this person is frustrated at not getting his/her way. And it looks as though at least one of the candidates is finding an audience in the current economy that's fueled by the hateful Washington poison. If this person wins (and I fear it may be likely), the amount of poison making its way into the work environment is going to increase.

Venting here, I know. My reason is to set my current mood.

Disclosure: I'm a whiner today. There are so many people in much worse condition than I'm in. I acknowledge this. But this post is about the beginning of a quest, and I feel it's important to lay my starting point.

I'm sick and tired of fighting the weight battle. My mom put me on my first diet when I was 13. Yeah. I've been dieting for 44 years. That's longer than my deputy's been alive. I was 5'7" and had hit 140 pounds. I understand my mom's concern. She'd fought the weight battle all her life, and she didn't want me to have to go through it.

Um, mom. Epic fail here. Sorry.

I've done a lot of study on healthy eating, and I try and practice what I  know. Obviously I'm not perfect. but I do exercise regularly. Yet I'm still fat. Probably not as fat as I would be if I hadn't been fighting all this time.

I'm just worn out and feel inclined to give up, but I can't stand the thought of what giving up means. I've been active all my adult life. I don't want to surrender my energy, flexibility, or ability to move that I have (limited though it may be at my age and with the fat I have).

Over the last few weeks, the issue of how to proceed has weighed heavily on my mind. I've had a couple of successful weightloss sessions. One was after Paul was born, and I lost 42 pounds. I did the How to Lower Your Fat Thermostat used with the Neuropsychology of Weight Control. It worked well, I wasn't hungry, and I felt great. But when I got preggers with Adam, I found that all those great foods that had sustained my in my weight loss efforts made me want to vomit.

Typical. Like when I found out that my phenominally low cholesterol (between 107 and 124) could also indicate an increased risk of cancer. Really? I've actually got something going FOR me and now they're saying it's not so wonderful after all.

I gained a lot of the weight I'd lost back but worked on getting in the groove again after giving birth to Adam. I wasn't able to get back down to that same weight again, but I was definitely way ahead of where I'd started.

Then my children got into the difficult teen years. Did I mention I'm an emotional eater? We'd moved, and I was doing a long commute via bus. I'd leave the house at 6:15 a.m. and get home about 5:55 p.m. I'd do How to Lower Your Fat Thermostat, and it'd work well ... for a while. For example, I did very well once for nine months--didn't go off it once. One of the secretaries got me a birthday cake. Such a nice gesture to buy me a cake when my own family didn't bother. I felt an obligation to have a piece. Big mistake. One thing I've discovered about myself: once I say "yes" I stop saying "no".

Seriously, it's a good thing drugs have never appealed to me.

And all through this we dealt with children struggling with mental illness. We've survived, but remember, I'm an emotional eater.

About eight years ago I gave the South Beach Diet a try. I was ready for a change and in the perfect frame of mind. And it worked. Just like Dr. Agatston said it would. I didn't crave the foods I shouldn't eat, and the weight just dropped off. I lost 13 pounds the first two weeks and 56 pounds over 6 months. I was down to what I'd weighed when my hubby and I'd gotten married.

But then the weight loss stopped. I still needed to lose some, and I plugged away for another 6 months. Not one pound lost. I didn't make the connection until later. I'd gone into menopause. Something strange and unexpected happened. When my cycles stopped, so did the weight loss.

Wonderful. I had something good happen (an almost uneventful change of life) but now I can't lose weight anymore.

Like the eating thing, I have diet program issues, too. Once I've gone off one I have a really hard time getting back on to it again.

I've tried Weight Watchers, but I get sick of counting. I know I can do the Core plan. But I don't want to. I remember the first time I tried WW, it was back before they had any of the low or nonfat foods. We had to make our own salad dressing with packages of Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning packets in ... buttermilk. I hate buttermilk.

So what's my point?

I'm sick of all this. All of it.

But you know what I'm even more sick of? All these extra pounds of fat I still carry. And the older I get, that pear figure (that's healthier than an apple because it means I had less fat in my belly) goes away and my body turns more applish all the time. I read one health book that talked about the issues of being an apple and a pear, and one thing really struck me. As children we start out as apples. Then we do our apple or pear thing. But in the end, as time takes its told on us, nature is bound and determined to turn us back into apples. I believe it.

What's a girl to do?

Should I throw in the towel? Do I just give up? I'm tempted. It's seemed really appealing to me the last couple of months. I don't want to do this anymore.

And then this gets me. Every. Dang. Time.

The alternative isn't acceptable.

Yet, I can't do the same ol', same ol'. Einstein is attributed with defining insanity as:

doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Now what? Well, I've got some things going around in the back of my mind. Scary, I know.

There's something coming up at work that could be the motivation I need to do ... something. I'm hoping to use my blog as a way to be accountable. Only time will tell if it works. At the very least, it may keep me motivated for a couple of months. At the most, it might set me on the path to success.

To be continued ...

Go Ahead. Kick Him While He's Down

Like Fibromyalgia and two kinds of arthritis aren't enough, poor Ed found out yesterday he has Plantar Fasciitis. That's what I had over ten years ago. Three surgeries later, and my feet are great, but for a while there it got so bad I had to use those motorized carts to do my grocery shopping. When is it going to end for the poor man?

Quick Trip

I flew to Disneyland on Wednesday to join Ed and Erin's family. All I can say is the older I get the more I dislike spending long hours in a car. I retain too much fluid. Flying from now on!

But we contacted Grampa Hanson, and he drove over to join us. He wasn't enthusiastic about the Disneyland trip since he felt he'd already seen everything there many times, but we were at California Adventure on Wednesday. None of which he'd seen.

The gang out front.

My new camera does panoramic views

And we weren't even up north visiting the Redwoods!

 

Don't you love that blue background?



Lucy meets Grampa



Madelyn and Aidan sharing a chocolate shake. And contrary to what Paul suggested, Aidan's not snorting it.



This is what Lucy thinks of chocolate shakes.

Taking a break while the others do Tower of Terror. Notice that I'm taking the picture, meaning that I'm NOT on ToT.

Taking a break at A Bugs Life. The show "It's Tough Being a Bug" is one of my favorites. Quite the jumping experience.

The Ferris Wheel is so much more fun than the ones they had when I was a kid.

Waiting for the show to start.

We stayed for something called World of Color, which is an amazing water, laser lights, fire show over the little lake. They included videos excerpts from several Disney movies, broadcast ON the water. Makes me want to sit down and watch those movies again.

We went to Disneyland on Thursday, which was decorated for Halloween.

Sienna and Pumpkin Mickey

One of Erin's dear friends from Spanish Fork met them at Disneyland, so they could see her. That's awesome to have friends like that.

We had to do Autopia.

Papa and Aidan

Spencer and Madelyn

Sienna's convinced she's going to be a terrible driver. I told her not to just based upon this experience.

And the Jungle Cruise.

And Tarzan. It's fun what they've done to update this old Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. There's a treehouse in WIP #1.

And the Tiki Room! This was my mother's favorite attraction.

I especially love the Haunted Mansion's transformation into Nightmare Before Christmas

We took Mad to see It's a Small World because the line was too long for the Materhorn. When we came out the parade had started. She loved the princesses ... but not the streetlight position. Go figure. She loves the Matershorn but was scared to stand on the the streetlight post.

Papa and Mad heading home with Main Street in the background.

I'm already going through withdrawals from hugging and kissing the kids. *sigh* Now I have to wait until January.

At this rate David's kids will be adults before we get to see them again. They're loving it in China.

Before we left, Ed got a chance to see Robert's little guy, David.

He's getting so big, too!

Disneyland

As I write this Ed is driving through Auburn, California on his way to Disneyland via Fresno, where he'll drop off some equipment and see Richard and Carolynn. I have to do the election Canvass prep work for the meeting on the 20th, so I won't be flying out until early on the 21st.

We're going to Disneyland because Erin and her family are going there on the way home from a work conference for Spencer in Texas where they've had a chance to see some of Spencer's family. This must be a really nice break for Spence, since he hasn't been off the islands in over two years.

I can't wait to see everyone. I just wish Ed had flown, so we didn't have to make that long drive. My back hates sitting in a car for a long time now, especially certain seats (like he has). Even in my Avalon's lumbar seat I can only take riding in it for so long. And 11 hours is a long time.

Grrrr

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can or should do. Ed was supposed have been able to retire on his birthday in July. Unfortunately, all he planned for was Social Security, so it's not a lot. And when do you get your first paycheck from them? Two freakin' months after you've "retired"!

The poor guy has suffered with Fibromyalgia (a condition that intensifies the pain you feel and adds more to it) for more than twenty years. Now he's got TWO kinds of arthritis on top of it. He's been working hard trying to complete projects he committed to earlier, but he's in so much pain he's just slowing down. He had to take four Lortab yesterday on top of 3200 mg of Ibuprophen just to function.

I wish people would just stop asking him to help. He loves to help, and he can't say "no". When I tell him he just needs to explain his situation to them, that if they really are his friends and they care about him, they'll understand and be more than happy to ask someone else to help. But somehow when I suggest this I become the bad guy!

I'm so upset at this moment I want to either cry or hit something.

/endrant

Last Hurrah

My dear friend Arlene and her hubby are building a home in a distant town and will be moving in the next few months. She and I have been through a lot together, including two ward talent shows where we performed our MiniMe show. We were asked to do it for an activity last night, and we broadened it to include two Minis.

Good Bye Nalla

*sigh*

Our cute little dog Nalla died last night. Ed and I had already gone to bed, and I could hear Adam calling the dog (she slept in his room). She always found ways to sneak out of the backyard because she was a social little doggy and liked to visit the neighbors. Nalla was also 13 1/2 and was going blind and deaf. She didn't always respond quickly when called because she couldn't always hear you.

Not long after I heard Adam calling, he knocked on our door to tell us she was dead out in the street. We ran out to her. We're not sure if she was hit by a car, but she didn't appear to have any damage. There's a good chance she just had a heart attack or stroke. We got a bag and Ed put her in it. We were talking about burying her, and Ed even told Adam to get a shovel, but then Ed put the bag in the trash. That seemed so disrespectful, but then I thought, "What if she wasn't really dead?" What if we buried her alive? She appeared dead. No heartbeat or breathing. But that kind of thing happens to people who turn out to be alive. At least if she was just in a deep coma and woke up in the trash can, we'd know.

I guess Adam posted something on Facebook, and Erin read it and called. She was quite upset, especially about the trash thing. I didn't know how to explain. I think she may have said something to Adam (I haven't had the heart to check Facebook yet), or he decided on his own, but he went out about 2 a.m. and dug her a grave. I talked with him after, and he confirmed that rigor mortis had set in. She was definitely dead.

So our garden now has two bodies in it.

*sniff*

I told Paul this morning, and he was shocked. He said her last meal had been a good one. He and Adam had cooked steak and potatoes, and they'd shared some with her.