I feel very much at times that I'm stuck on a treadmill that I can never get off yet is taking me nowhere. Then when I think about the feelings, they make me seem selfish and whiny.
I was feeling particularly sorry for myself today. My hubby has health conditions that limit his activity level and energy. I accept that and sympathize and support him in enduring for the last twenty years. But sometimes it just seems like that's an excuse for not doing what he doesn't want to do. I can even deal with that until it starts to get in the way, until I feel claustrophobic in my own home, unable to live as I'm living but unable to change it.
That's how I was feeling this afternoon after a little disagreement at home (see, if I say something is bothering me, then I'm not supportive and don't say nice things). This makes me feel emotionally manipulated. Yet there are time when I'm not feeling supportive and don't always say nice things (and keep in mind that he's ultra sensitive, so simply stating a fact can be not saying nice things). I can't help but question my feelings and wonder if I'm just having a bad day and being unfair.
What kills me is not being able to say how I feel, not having the chance to make it better. I've learned after over 25 years, it's a wasted effort. So I just have to swallow my feelings or find relief somewhere else.
I'm frustrated because I feel like my life is ebbing away. I'll be 56 this month, and there's so much I want to be able to do before I physically can't do it anymore. Things like biking down Provo Canyon or hiking up to Stewart Falls at Sundance. Ed's not up to that. He also only wants to do things with me. So if he can't do an activity, but I can't do it alone, it means I can't do it or offend him by going by myself.
These frustrations led me up Provo Canyon this afternoon with all my windows open, the sunroof cranked back, and my stereo blasting. The fall colors are coming on. The fall is my favorite season, and every year that I can I like to go up to Sundance to take the ski lift up to view the fall colors. It's a little early for that yet. It'll be incredible in 2-3 weeks, and if the weather permits it's one event that Ed can come with me on.
I was going to go to the library, but I drove to Sundance instead, parked the car, and took my laptop and started walking.
As always I'm struck by the beauty of Mt. Timpanogos. I love the "front" side, but the "back" grabs me as well with its never-melting glacier (you can make it out on the left).
I love the sound of running water from the stream and the smell of the pine trees.
I found myself a shady spot under an aspen tree on the edge of the pond, pulled out my laptop, and continued editing WiP#1. And I felt the beauty around me provide me with the stress relief I so desperately needed.
I wasn't ready to go back home yet, so I'm at the library. I didn't realize they had WiFi, so I'm posting here and then I'll get back to my WiP.
ETA--See, as I was having my pity party on this anniversary of September 11th, I read a link Donna H. posted. I have to share.
Everything's relative.
Meg Cabot on the 9th anniversary of 9/11.
6 comments:
OK, so now I'm crying...again. It's OK though. I also had a friend/colleague who's son had been working at the WTC. He had quit his job 2 weeks before 9/11 and I didn't know. I spent a good part of that day trying to get ahold of and comfort his mother whom I worked with very closely. I couldn't get through for several hours. When I finally did,she told me he was fine, but that she had family near there and was awaiting news about them. 9/11 is certainly a day I will never forget. The horrible sound of silence was enough to have permanently burned in my mind.
I hope you are feeling better. I'm sure it's hard to have a spouse or loved one who has these issues. Just ask Dan ;-) You are wonderful, don't forget that. I spent yesterday in the mountains next to a little stream like the one in your pics. While I have paid for the trip dearly all day today, it was worth it to feel the serenity there for a few minutes. Glad you got a few minutes of peace.
And I've been feeling physically lousy all evening, so maybe it was aggravated by me being sick.
Thanks, Christy, *hugs*
I find the older I get, the more selfish I become.
Yet I don't believe that selfishness is unreasonable.
We have to remember we are more than wives, mothers, employees, writers - we are human beings, individuals, dammit, and if I want to do something, then I will damn well do it.
No one is going to live your life for you, so do not allow yourself to get to the situation of having regrets for the things you never did.
Seize the day - every day.
What a gorgeous place! I'm glad that you took a side detour from the library. Moments like these, especially in nature, really recharge the mind.
Thanks Donna and Suzie. Donna, I frequently do what I want anyway. He didn't approve of me taking Karate classes (he didn't like the idea of people hitting me), but I did it anyway and persevered until I got my Black Belt a couple of years ago. But I do my own thing up to a point and there's almost always an emotional price to pay. Sometimes I'm not up to paying it.
But you're right, dang it. I've been wanting to get a bike to go riding up the canyon on. Hmmm ... it's a little late in the season, but maybe I'll start saving my money for the spring. That way I can start giving hints to prepare hubby that if he can't/doesn't want to come with me, I'll go alone.
Hi Donna--
I know I am younger than you, and I am often too outspoken, and maybe that makes it not my place to say what I am going to say, but I have learned something that I feel I really need to share. Don't ever let anyone stop you from doing whatever it is you aspire to do that is good and right--no matter the relationship. You are an individual, and the things you want to do make you who you are. When someone or something is trying to impede the pursuit of your dreams, you can't let them--no matter how uncomfortable it may be to confront the issue-- because those dreams are the elements that make you uniquely you. Emptiness, sorrow, and regret will take over you and your life if you consent to ignoring the parts of your life that are essential to making you happy to be alive. Also, it is not your job to ensure others' happiness; you may (and should) do your best to contribute to it, but ultimately, the other person makes the choice to be happy or not and you are not responsible for either result.
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